I know, I know...I haven't written in forever. I don't know why I'm even bothering to act like someone else is reading this. I don't know how that would happen due to my severely unkept blog. (Down with the author!) Anyway, I have been thinking about this and just want to get it out. If anyone's reading, let me know what you think.
I went to Wheaton College and during that time I had one guy who was really my best friend. He was a freshman on my floor when I was a sophomore. He again was on my floor when I was an RA as a junior, and our senior year we lived together in an apartment with two other guys. When I graduated, he took a year off of school to work and catch his breath and again we lived together. We did everything together! He was truly my best friend. Not all of our endeavors were smart...we screwed up our fair share of times, but we were together--there for each other to the very end. After his year break, he decided to move back home and so did I, due to my lack of a roommate. Fast forward to today....
It is now 4 years later. Since my friend moved home, I've probably called him 100 times and left over 50 messages. (I honestly have no idea of the exact numbers, but they feel astronomical.) I've never heard from him. Never. Not, "Hey I'm busy." Not, "Please don't contact me." Not, "Leave me alone." NOTHING! And so the question that is burning inside me...WHY????
I honestly cannot describe to you how this whole scenario makes me feel. Over the past four years, there have been irreversible events that I don't understand: my uncle dying of cancer, my brother's best friend dying in a motorcycle accident, a good friend of mine, an expecting father and husband, dying in a tragic motorcycle accident--horrible things that I don't understand. However, I trust that God is in control of those things and I can learn to accept them. My current status with my best friend, however, I just cannot accept. This statement is not a statement about God (I don't think), but rather an absolute cry for an answer to why things are the way they are with my buddy.
So I ask you: what do you think? I'm hurt so badly by this broken relationship that I'm even surprised by it. I feel like there is a part of my life that has a gaping hole in it, and I search desperately for an answer. I've been hurt and angry and upset over all of this, but now...after YEARS...when I think about it yet again, I just plain miss my friend.
I don't know how else to say it.
14 comments:
I just wanted to say, sometimes friends just move on in life.
Something happens...
They feel superior - feel unworthy... Feel saddened, depressed... something they can't explain... But contact is difficult.
Maybe they think they can't meet your standards.
Maybe they have fallen from the path of life you two took together.
Maybe they don't know themselves any more.
Maybe you could just ask that person - in a letter or a phone call... and say:
"Hey. I don't know about you - but I miss the times we were hanging out. I miss being your friend. No matter what lifestyle you're living... No matter what you've been through - I just wanted to let you know I was thinking about our great times... and if you ever just want to hang out or talk - here's my contact info."
Maybe they decided that they were gay - and you might not be able to tolerate that... OR - the other way around.
Maybe they are confused.
Maybe their life has moved so fast for them and changed - that every day they think... I should call, but they just never seem to find the time.
Maybe they didn't have as good a time as you.
So - instead of just wondering why your friend hasn't talked to you... Don't blame yourself.
Move on - leaving the ball in their court.
Let them make a decision.
But know - you've made an effort.
I don't exactly live the exemplified life you have in your "ABOUT ME" section - but that doesn't mean I don't give good advice.
May you be blessed with happiness and luck.
The Wager Witch
Wow, it has been a long time since you posted. I'm here by the way of surfing and thought I'd add my thoughts.
Do you know if your friend moved back in with his parents? Have you ever met them or of his other family members? It seems odd that he hasn't responded, or even emailed saying something. I hope that he's okay.
On another note, sometimes friendships run their course and maybe this is what has happened to this one. I had a similar situation where a friend blocked most of her friends out (she was also a high school bud and college room mate - we thought we'd be friends through old age). I still haven't directly heard from her. I talk with her sister occasionally to get updates and I still send a yearly Christmas card. We're now both married, have children and all I have are the memories.
I also leave the door open to the possibility that one day she'll phone just to say hi. Leave the door open.
Hello:
This probably won't make you feel any better, but I have a guess as to what's happening. When your friend needed to take that time off after school, he was looking to make a break from the life he had. As close as the two of you were, what more powerful symbol of that life could there be than you? For whatever reason, he has decided to turn the page and move into a new chapter of his life. It really isn't about you, it's about him.
I regret to say that I did something similar to someone after college.
Thank you for sharing this story. I hope you are able to come to terms with this.
Peace,
P. Del Ricci - Dark Glass
I am in no way a shrink so don't take this to the pharmacy.
First of all it is not you.
You have been reaching out and it would be simple for him to reply. HE chooses not to for whatever reason real or imagined. Don't let his inaction control your emotions either good or bad... He does not have the power over your emotions. You do.
Second I would suggest you look for a new friend. (better yet, friends.) - I know that friends do not grow on trees and it really takes someone special to have that kinship of spirit, esprit 'de corp and all that stuff but we have to march forth in this world. We cannot grieve for too long over things lost. We must go forward to grow into new situations and relationships. Church, clubs, sports, etc. Look to your interests and seek other likeminded people.
Third I hope you will get in the habit of praying for him. - Not long drawn out prayers. - Simply a quick, "Lord. Bless him." "Touch his heart Lord and let him know You care." "Lord! Smack his pointy little head"- Make it a habit to do this when you think of him or a memory of the fun times passes through your head. It may be that for some reason he is hurt and needs the touch of the Master Potter. (Maybe a smack would be a bit much.)
This will really help you because instead of bad feelings you will be left with a good feeling. In fact the feeling may touch up with joy. - Scotwise Series on Joy - (not a paid advertisement) - You may not be able to communicate directly with him but you can have a positive impact because prayer knows no distances.
Don't try to get God to make him call. That will only lead to frustration. Just rest assured that this is on your buddy. Even if his reasons are because of something you have done it is still on him. You have reached out.
BJ,
been thinking about this all day, I really feel the sense of loss and emptiness you express here and I don't know what to say other than I pray for peace and consolation from Jesus for you. The part that stood out to me in your post was this: it is easier to accept the death of those around us than it is to accept a fractured relationship. Maybe we all understand death is inevitable, but we also somehow understand that relationships, if they are authentic are not suposed to end. Relationships are the most like eternity because we were created for them - specifically created for one with God which will last forever. Interesting, but no consolation.
I have come to learn that relationships exist for God's purposes and that I must hold them with an open hand. I don't create them or maintain them, I embrace them and allow Christ to work through them (on me and upon others). Perhaps it would be helpful to say to Jesus 'this relationship was yours and I mourn it's passing, but I pray for it's ressurection if it suits your purposes for me and for my friend.'
BJ,
I read your post on your missing friend. And I looked at your profile before commenting.
You are a sincere person.
Humans come in different characters like vessels come in different shapes and sizes.
I have seen a wife who lived with her husband for 18 years and one morning she poured deadly acid on his face and fled.
I have learnt to accept the word of God that says we should not trust anybody, except God.
But, do you know the condition of your friend?
Whether your friend is allright or not?
Well or unwell?
His condition could be very critical and that would render him incommunicado.
Pray for him if you cannot reach him to find out if he is allright or not.
God bless you always.
Well.. I'm sure after all these years of being together, he should miss you too, quite badly and if he does he should buzz you sometime, so chill.Everybody has a story like this in their lives, a few friends are away with reasons and a few without, lets hope we meet all our friends one day or the other and relive those happy moments together.
Cheers
I'm sorry that your friend has chosen to ignore your friendship. That hurts. It was good to talk to you last night, youre a good person.
I have no wisdom for you regarding your friend. But, I can tell you that a similar thing happened to me once, except that I played the role of your friend. Many years ago, when my wife and I moved to another state for a job, I lost touch with a friend. My friend and I didn't really get to say goodbye when we moved, and that bothered me. Then, life got busy for both of us, and neither attempted to contact the other for a year or so. Then, he called me several times, and while I meant to get back to him, I just never did. I let busyness and lazyness hold me back, and my best intentions turned into severe embarrassment. I was ashamed of myself, and let it keep me from doing what I wanted to do. It turns out that he was embarrassed too. He felt that he didn't make enough of an effort to contact me, and thought I must think he was a jerk.
Well, it all ended some 3 years later, when he was in my area on business, and dropped in for a visit. After a moment of quick apology, and expression of regrets, we settled back into our former level of friendship as if nothing ever happened. We picked up right where we left off.
I'm not saying this will happen with you and your friend, but I guess it could. Maybe another means of communication would help. Why not try writing a letter, or a post card, or send a greeting card? Maybe you could make a trip and just show up at his door? Maybe he's not a "phone" person and won't make himself get organized enough to make plans to return your call? I don't know... I'm just thinking out loud here. But, one thing I know for sure. I wouldn't give up. Ever.
Hi BJ. Thanks for stopping by my blog I'll have to put you back on my blog roll. I just want to say that I know how you feel in some way. This time last year I went to a new church that my grandfather started. Mostly because my parents made me leave the old church. NOw I wouldn't go anywhere else but my grandfather's church. Anyway...I left a whole lot of friends. They say I'm one of their best friends but they never call me or invite me to stuff anymore. They do things and say things that make me feel so rejected and hurt. The sad part is that I feel as if I've been losing friends my whole life. Alot of these friendships were one sided on my part and so rejection came often, but the sad thing is that I've become use to it. I am lonely people wise. I honestly can't say I have any good friends anymore. I admitt it makes me very angry at times. But then I remember how we're not lonely with God. He's our best friend.
I'm sorry this has happened with your friend. I do believe that you will see him again and that there may be a good explanation. Keep your chin up, God will pull you through.
I always tend to give people the benefit of the doubt (Probably my biggest flaw, since I get taken advantage of because of it...but anyway) maybe there is something going on in his life, and for whatever reason he doesn't want to talk to anyone.
Not that this is right, or will make you feel any better for being rejected, but maybe thinking that way can help you not take it so personal.
Maybe try to contact someone in his family or something and see what his deal is.
Good luck.
I know how bad it feels to lose a good friend.
Bruce--
Thanks for your story. It brings a measure of hope to what I'm going through. Don't worry, I won't give up. I haven't yet and don't plan to, but the more time that passes, the more I feel like this is not going to get fixed. But do know that I'm not giving up just yet.
Tey--
Thanks for your words in the midst of your own similar struggle. I pray that you, too, will keep your chin up and that God would restore some of those friendships that you miss so dearly. Thanks for your comments.
Bananna--
I have talked to his parents (about a year ago now) and they said they were sorry. I know, though, that Andrew is happily persuing life as usual in Texas and is content with having chosen those friends of his and not me. I don't think it has to be like that, but hey, I can't force him to respond. I appreciate your comment and will continue to pursue him as he is someone that is important to me.
It occurred to me he doesn't get the messages for some reason.
Or he's ashamed of something in his life. Like, you were both Christians and now he's involved in something wrong.
Or, you offended him and he's not dealing with it properly by letting you know what happened.
Whatever of the three scenarios, I'd stop calling him. Maybe I am too cynical. But I don't see anything positive coming out of it. If he wants to talk to you, he can call you.
Thanks for stopping by my blog, bro.
I know what you are going through. I have a friend like that. I even wonder if he is even alive. I just wouldn't give up sending him messages - bday cards, christmas photo, whatever - just to let him know that he is not forgotten.
There is a friend that sticks clser than a brother. Maybe that's you and not him right now.
Be good.
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