A Silent Conversation

So I recently went out with a friend of mine and found myself asking many different questions to occupy some of our time together and initially just because I was truly curious to find out more about her. She, in turn, answered my questions. A few minutes ticked by, and I sat there wondering if she was feeling awkward, obviously because I was feeling awkward in assuming that she was feeling awkward. (Even the spelling of the word awkward is awkward, isn't it?) So, I'd ask another question, which she would answer and then there was more silence and I'd feel more awkward assuming she was feeling awkward, and on and on and on. (I know...I'm sick! A high schooler student of mine once so eloquently told me in one of his bitch sessions to me in his anonymous email, "Don't ever ASSUME anything! You make and ASS of U and ME." Thank you, oh anonymous sage...if only I had learned when you told me off a year ago. Oh well, live and learn....)

Anyway, after this had happened a handful of times, I finally allowed myself to wrestle through the silence. I freed myself to enjoy our time together without the detriment of a spoken word, having what one might call a sort of "silent conversation". It wasn't distant or inconsiderate but rather warm and peaceful. I don't often sit in silence like that very well, at least not while I'm only with one other person and there is no conversation being exchanged. Many could have justified the initial scenario: yes, we were at a sporting event and conversation was not expected. For me, though, I felt obliged in some way to make sure she was okay, when really I was probably the only one of us with a problem with the way things were going. What is my fascination to fill the void of silence with more chatter? I mean, it's not like there wasn't any noise--we were at a sporting event, for goodness sake. There were people cussing and spilling beer and booing new crappy right-fielders. Why did I feel the need to add to that mess?

I think I view silence as a weakness or shortcoming in myself. I definitely don't mind when other people are silent. I can just say that they are introverts and God has wired them that way and at least I don't have to listen to more annoying people and blah blah blah. But for me, when I value the person that I'm with, (especially as a single, 25 year old guy out with a cute, single 25 year old girl) I feel like I'm screwing it all up if there isn't a continued engaged conversation going on at all times. I don't think I want to face what silence says about me, or should I say what I think silence says about me. Instead of thinking that silence will communicate to this girl that I'm comfortable just being around her, I fumble through every question I can think of to make sure everything is going well and probably far too obviously communicate how uncomfortable I'm feeling. Pathetic, huh?

I learned something from my silent conversation the other day: words don't necessarily make things better. In fact, though at the time I probably would have felt better jabbering away about many different topics, the reality is that the silence communicated so much more than a cute girl's responses to my formulated questions. That silent conversation might have been the best time that I spent with my dear friend the other day. I have much to learn.